Questionnaire for Discovering our Lessons - Part 2 of 3
Articles By Robert Elias Najemy
We suggest that you read part 1 of this series first.
7. Is there a part of me that behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me? We often behave in negative ways towards ourselves, criticizing ourselves, ignoring our needs, putting ourselves down or being ironic with ourselves. Then when others do the same to us, we feel annoyed and hurt. But they are simply reflecting back to us our own behavior towards ourselves, whether they perceive it or not. They do not need to see this behavior in us. These beliefs, attitudes, feelings and behaviors are transmitted subconsciously and silently.
Our lesson in such a case would be to learn to respect and cultivate positive behaviors towards ourselves. We need to behave towards ourselves as we would like others to behave towards us. (An interesting version of an age old truth, "to do others as you would like them to do to you".)
8. Is there a part of me which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me?
We sometimes are annoyed by and criticize behaviors, which subconsciously perhaps we would actually like occasionally to be able to adopt. For example, a person who has difficulty in expressing himself might be annoyed by an overly expressive person. A person, who has difficulty being silent, might feel uncomfortable with a silent type. A person who restrains and suppresses himself, in order to be conscientious regarding responsibilities or rules is likely to feel annoyed by and angry with a person who makes no effort to do so. But, perhaps that person who is rejecting and criticizing would actually like to be free to let go once in a while and not be so "responsible". We are also attracting behaviors that reflect our jealousy, lack of understanding and self-restriction. Our lesson here would be to free ourselves in order to behave in a way which represents our beliefs and values. Also to let others to decide for themselves how they want to behave. Others are not required to live their lives according to our morals, standards or limitations.
9. Does this behavior remind me of anything that I experienced as a child?
We are often more vulnerable to behaviors which remind us of situations which we experienced when we were children. If we could get free from the pain or fear we are holding from our childhood years, the behavior which presently bothers us would not affect us so much. We are attracting this behavior because we need to have contact with it until we free ourselves from that baggage from the past. It is our stimulus towards growth and maturity. The lesson is to transform our childhood experiences.
10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?
A. The victim? B. The intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one - without needs J. The just one K. The good person L. The one responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof R. The critic or Interrogator. S. Some other role?
Each of these roles tends to attract similar or opposite roles from those around us. If we play the parent, the other will behave like a child. If we play the child, the other will behave like a parent, teacher or savior. If we feel responsible for everyone, the others will be irresponsible etc. The lesson here is to discover which of our roles are reflecting in the other's behavior, or is making his or her behavior annoying to us. Once we determine this, we will need to see what adjustments we need to make in the way we are interpreting our role.
11. Which are my needs or attachments that are being intimidated by this behavior?
12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person?
Our needs and attachments are reflected in many ways. Our negative feelings result from our not being able to get what we want or from our fearing that we may not be able to have it, or that we might lose it. When our happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of ourselves, and the time has come for us to transcend that attachment, life offers us behaviors and events which force us to free ourselves from this attachment or else continue to suffer.
When the time has come to overcome the belief that "I must have that____" some of the following possible situations might occur:
a. Obstacles appear towards having it.
b. We obtain it but at the expense of our health.
c. We have it but it produces conflicts with others.
d. We have it but it causes us conflict with ourselves.
e. We have it, but we lose it.
f. We destroy our health and harmony trying to get it.
h. Some around us also believe we must have it. They strengthen our beliefs.
i. Others are against our having it.
One lesson is that we can be happy, safe and satisfied without this attachment. Another might be to become more positive and capable of manifesting what we want.
13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here, which might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior?
Our feelings of guilt and shame are very easily reflected by those around us. We attract from others what makes us feel guilt or shame until we are able to transform the beliefs that generate those feelings.
Our feelings of guilt or self-doubt are often what which make the other's behavior painful for us, as we are reminded by their behavior of our doubts about our purity, ability and self-worth. Our lesson is to clarify in our minds what our real responsibilities are concerning the others and where our self-worth is based.
14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here?
We will attract whatever we criticize and condemn until we learn to understand and accept the other. We can disagree with another's behavior, without rejecting the person. As long as we criticize and condemn, we will be confronted over and over again by this same behavior.
Our lesson is to develop understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love for others and ourselves.
About the Author
Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach. At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
Keywords: Questionnaire for Discovering our Lessons, Psychology, Happiness, Robert Elias Najemy, Intuition, Intuitive, Articles, UK, South Africa, Cape Town,